The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread: A Timeline

by Lou Stone Borenstein

 

Recent news of evidence to support the Big Bang Theory is being lauded by some as a major breakthrough in Science and Technology (the technology being the South Pole telescope used for the discovery).  That still does not exempt it from being held up to the gold standard: sliced bread.  In its 86-year existence, nothing has replaced sliced bread as the greatest thing for purposes of comparison.  Here is a brief history of the many that have tried, all of which inevitably failed.

 

1928 - The first loaf of sliced bread is sold.  It’s the greatest thing since...ever!

 

1939 - Television is introduced to the general public, providing hours of entertainment on a daily basis.  TV gets worse over time, as sliced bread only gets better.

 

1947- The first microwave oven is put on the market, allowing for a quick and easy way to heat and reheat certain foods.  The microwave is not recommended for sliced bread.

 

1955 - Jonas Salk announces his vaccine for polio.  It saves hundreds of thousands of lives, but it slices absolutely nothing.

 

1969 - Man walks on the moon for the first time.  He finds neither bread nor a better slicing implement.

 

1978 - The Sony Walkman is built, allowing consumers to enjoy music on the go.  The tape deck is a failure when it comes to toasting slices of bread.

 

1984 - The Apple Macintosh becomes the first commercially successful personal computer with a graphic user interface.  It ends up saving people less time than pre-sliced bread does, thanks to games like “The Oregon Trail.”

 

1997 - Ian Wilmut and Keith Campbell clone a sheep named Dolly, the first such success with a mammal.  But sliced bread must still be made the old-fashioned way.


 

2003 - The complete human genetic code is sequenced in the Human Genome Project, helpful in researching causes of genetic conditions and possible treatments.  It’s “completeness” is later reduced to 92%, while sliced bread remains 100% great.

 

2012 - Scientists at CERN discover the scientifically significant Higgs boson* through the use of the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest particle accelerator.  The collider is also the world’s least efficient bread slicer.

*probably

 

2027 (projected) - Matter is fully teleported from Point A to Point B.  However, when sliced bread is transported, it reappears unsliced.

 

2039 (projected) - Scientists cure cancer.  The key to the breakthrough turned out to be bread, but only when sliced.