R.S.V.P.

☐ Accept with pleasure

☐ Decline with regret

☑ Other (explanation below)    <----- this is written in by the author

 

Explanation:

    First, let me say how happy I am to see that you are getting married.  I am 80% happy to see that you are getting married.  Now that that’s said, on to the question of my attendance.  You used to tell me all the time to be honest.  And I am guessing you still believe that, as you never did seem to be one for change.  I suppose, then, that committing to one woman will suit you well.  Kudos on that decision.

    I assume that receiving this template wedding invitation is evidence that I will not be in your wedding party.  Will there be a wedding party?  Do you have a best man?  Groomsmen?  An officiant?  If you need, I can have power vested in me for only fifteen bucks online.  I’ll pay the fee myself!  Never mind.  I suppose you already have a rabbi or priest or hari krishna booked already.  By the way, what are you now?  I myself have been dabbling in Judaic Buddhism.  I spend hours contemplating things like “If a tree falls in the woods, call your mother.”  Anyway, I’m sure your wedding party, if it exists, is full.  I can’t wait until I get married so I can rank my friends.

    I suppose you’re still wondering if I will be in attendance at your wedding.  Nothing personal, but: it depends.  Just because you know what you’re doing in 6 months doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing, nor should I have to.  Even if I commit to coming, how could I possibly know whether or not I’ll be bringing a guest?  You know that my longest lasting relationship in life was that 1-year lease in the East Village.  And she had asbestos.

    Who else will be at your wedding?  Knowing only two of an indeterminate number of people at a party is not a good way of getting me to show up.  Will Ray be there?  If so, I’m definitely not coming.  I’m afraid I’ll need to see your guest list before deciding.  Also, have you spoken to Ray?  How is he?

    Most importantly, what are the meal choices?  Is there a Kosher option?  If so, I’d like pork.  I don’t enjoy pork, but I do enjoy equal opportunity.  I see that your reception is at a restaurant.  Who commits to five hours at a restaurant without knowing anything about the food?  Please send a Zagat’s listing.

    One more question.  Is the black-tie dress code optional?  It doesn’t say optional.  But I’ve gone to black-tie non-optional weddings to find people in plain suits.  Meanwhile, I’ve wasted time and money and a tiny bit of my pride on a tuxedo rental.  Just be honest.  How non-optional is your dress code?

    Just one more question.  Full bar or no?

    Don’t take these questions the wrong way.  Honestly, they are only meant to help you increase the likelihood I will say yes.  As a sign of good faith, I promise that if I miss the wedding, I will be there for your kid’s Bar Mitzvah.  Have you thought about a venue for that yet?  I will send you some recommendations along with their Zagat’s listings.